Millie, the cat

I have been watching Millie decline rapidly over the past few days, and right now I am full of sorrow even though I say I'm ready for her to go. I watch myself continue to want to do something to make her comfortable, which of course assumes I know that she is not. Yesterday I was following the vet's recommendations to sub-Q hydrate her, plus I used a small syringe to get water into her mouth numerous times. I have only once forced water into her mouth today. She hasn't liked any of it. I could not continue but it's hard not to insist on water.

I know she's dying.

I had a conversation today with an animal communicator. Mostly I wanted to know if Millie is in pain. I also asked if there is anything she wanted me to know, or anything I could do for her to help her be comfortable. I was assured she is not in pain. That was most important for me to hear.

He mentioned something like cookies and cream, something black and white but he wasn't sure what. I didn't know what it could be, but just now, looking at where she lay down after I brought her upstairs thinking she might want to lay on the bed, I think I know what the black and white is. She is on a sheepskin throw rug, and our sheepskins are black and white. Or maybe it's the black and white kitty who sits outside on our porch most days?

I wish you well, Millie, and a smooth transition. And I wish you good hunting and companionship on the other side. You've been an awesome cat in my life, and I especially appreciate how well you've taken care of first Jake, and then Schumann. I can learn from you about offering nourishment to those in need, about protecting loved ones, and about setting clear boundaries when the play gets too rough. I can learn from you about dignity and independence, about the joy of eating, and about how simple it is to express preferences even if they are not honored.

Thank you, dear Millie. I will miss your pretty green eyes and your remarkable purr.

Ok, I will not miss your fidgeting with the bureau drawer at 6 am every morning even though it helped get me out of bed.

I love you, Millie.

Want an aprés spook calm-down cue?

Let me know when you find one that is spook proof!

I guess I'm looking at BEING in an ongoing calm-down state in all aspects of my life and my horsemanship. As much as I can be that and can bring that to my horse time, unmounted and mounted, it's been helping me have more awareness, more calm proactive directing of the horse's mind, and more confidence shared between me and the horse.

So I can't help with an aprés spook cue. I could chat about helping a horse look to us for guidance when something frightens it. And having that trust be a core element in the relationship, not just something I want to count on in certain circumstances. We can pair anything we want with a calm state as far as I can tell, by classical conditioning. I'm not sure though that we can count on a conditioned response when the adrenaline kicks in. I am certain we cannot count on much of anything when the cortisol kicks in. Like with us humans, the horse's thinking mind doesn't operate at that point.

So awareness of subtle changes in the horse become important for noticing that first instant of adrenaline, of the horse questioning something in the environment. That is one benefit of developing our awareness. Then ask the horse to get with us mentally again by doing something he knows how to do, like back up, turn, walk, trot, canter, gallop... We can work on having an understanding of direction and speed when life is calm(er) and (hopefully more) predictable like in the arena. I practice these in the arena and outside the arena, the whole ride, not just when something startles my horse. I want my presence and my asking for a little of this or a little of that to be an acceptable way of life with my horses.

I discovered today that as well as Sofia listens in the arena, we leave the arena to go to the barn -- something I usually do leading her not riding her -- and her mind went strongly to the barn even though I was still riding her. A big hole in our understanding, and I'm glad I found it today, and helped her let go of the barn thought and check in with me to see what I had in mind for us.

I will share that I'm one of those folks who rode a lot as a kid. That did seem to help me have a good feel for riding and sticking with some athletic horse moves, but it did not give me the skills and sensitivity I value learning and using today. I've come by these the normal old fashioned hard way -- get in trouble with a horse, want something better, seek something better, start learning something better, practice, practice, practice, make a kazillion mistakes, seek more of something better, practice, practice, practice. And so on.

I'd be riding a bicycle if I weren't so keen on figuring out relationships. Some of those extreme bicycle trails might be as hair raising as a ride on an insecure horse!

I had a choice when I realized I had bought a horse who was less trained than I knew how to deal with -- sell her and try again, or find out how to help her so I could enjoy the rides I had in mind when I bought her. It's a risky decision to learn about horses with a horse who needs more than we know how to give, but the rewards are awesome. And yes, I've come off a lot over the years of learning with that particular horse. Never her fault, always mine.

I think I'll go ride her this afternoon.

Fun x 4 days

That sums up my time with Mark Rashid, Crissi McDonald, and horsey friends. Yeah, there were a few moments of emotions other than joy and excitement, but very few. A nice change for me!

Rusty is my instant karma horse. He is with me 100% whether I like it or not. So if my mind goes out to something scary, Rusty is instantly scared. If my mind is focused right close when we canter, we barely move. If my mind goes out around the corner of the ring, Rusty carries me smoothly around the corner. If I am tight in my shoulders when I ask for something, Rusty is tight in his shoulders when he responds.


My mind goes to the dogs. Rusty's mind goes to the dogs. Look out, dogs!




So many learning opportunities about my accidental and my purposeful use of mind and intention.

Then there were the lessons in softness. Mark is a master at helping the human feel more softness. And once we feel it, we can recognize it and we can find our way back to it and offer it to our horses.




Boundaries.

Softness.

Imagining what we want -- speed, direction, destination, quality of how we go -- as the first 'cue'. Adding the mechanical cues if the horse needs additional help to come with us.

And much more.

Subtle guidance

I took this quote from some notes I took Sunday auditing a day of Mark's clinic time in New Hampshire.

** You have to feel what you want first, offer that, then use the aid if needed. **

Yesterday I played around with this because it really struck me as a missing piece of my how I can help my horses be successful with the things I ask of them.

How I interpreted this: when I'm wanting a transition using the rhythm and counting in my head, I have to first feel and count before I expect the horse to make the transition. I think I'd been a little unfair before.

An example from yesterday... walk trot transitions... I'm walking with a 1234 1234 going on in my head and body, then switch to 12 12 and by the third or fourth 12, I'm adding an aid if I need to. Amazing how well it worked! I managed some halt walk, walk halt, walk trot, trot walk, trot canter, canter trot, and walk canter transitions.

It helped me feel so successful being on my gelding, Rusty, who is super sensitive to me anyway. Then I did some of this (halt walk trot variations) with Sofia who has fewer wet saddle blankets in her history, and 'historically' I might have said her favorite speed is halt. I love it when my horses make me change my mind about who they are!

Great day it was, yesterday auditing and today playing around with some new ideas.

Question about aging and starting a new equine relationship

Recently someone was taking an informal survey, asking about middle aged riders who are "starting again with a new equine partner." I have a few thoughts to share.

There are three aspects of a new horse that come to mind right away. Mind, movement, survival instinct in action.

Until I am mentally and physically comfortable with those three, it worries me a little (or a lot in which case I don't mount) to ride a horse.

This can and does apply to the horses I own as well as horses new to me.

Mentally -- is the horse available mentally? Able to be calm? What does it understand? How does it respond? is the horse comfortable learning new things?

Physically -- can my body move with this horse's body? I have mostly ridden horses with smooth gaits and shorter strides so my body is not used to sitting the trot of a long strided larger horse. I bring that deficit however I'm working to change that, and "even at 61" I am making great progress primarily under the guidance of a physical therapist who is gifted beyond my imagination.

Survival Instinct -- how does this horse react when his/her survival is threatened? I came off my Morgan mare a few times before my body learned how to stay with her when she did her particular and habitual survival moves. It took a while to get familiar with my Morgan gelding's moves, mostly because I wasn't aware at the time of what he was doing because I was 'expecting' unconsciously in my body that he would move like she does. Not. I can ride with him now that I know his biggest, worst moves -- know these moves in my body, on a cellular level about which I need not think.

Of course at this point in my journey, I am seeking that mind-to-mind comfort before I ever mount, so that as long as I am paying attention to our relationship and responding responsibly with guidance in a calm fashion, those bigger moves should never surface. I'm getting better and better at judging what the horse needs from me before I even mount (and what I need from the horse), so that my rides are 'uneventful' compared to what I have expected, allowed, and experienced in the past.

I have 5 horses at home, one has never been ridden. I at times ride any of the 5-7 horses at the therapeutic riding program where I work as an instructor, volunteer trainer, and consultant to the horse herd coordinator. I'm approaching the older end of 'middle age' and am increasingly cautious because I hate hurting and being in any way incapacitated. That caution translates to more time on the ground establishing connection -- especially mentally with the horse, and physically with my own body. I'm pretty dedicated to a life time of getting better at what I love.

Openings

**If we leave the horse an opening, he’s going to go through it.**


This is something I got from auditing Mark Rashid yesterday. I find it especially useful for my training efforts with volunteer horse handlers/leaders in a therapeutic riding program. It can take all the emotion/personalization/etc. out of the equation.

The horse is not getting away with things, not taking advantage of us, none of that. The horse sees when we are not alert, attentive, and responsible in our leadership role, and the horse will do what is natural -- start leading by default. Someone in the 'herd' needs to be the leader.

Some of our TR horses have a pause, which is very useful for most lesson situations. Some of our horses have virtually no pause, so any millisecond of straying human attention results in the horse taking initiative. Not so good for a lesson setting!

That statement puts the onus back on us, as we humans are the ones leaving an opening. The horse isn't waiting around looking for one (well, in some cases I imagine a horse would be doing just that!), but a horse surely will go into an opening when we leave an opening.

One comment from a student yesterday was: the horse 'took advantage of me'... I helped her reframe that to: the horse 'took advantage of my inattentive moment.' Yes indeed, that is exactly what any horse will do. What great teachers they are! Today I felt like I was teaching a meditation class, well, co-teaching alongside the horses.

One friend added to my thinking by pointing out how we can consciously create an opening for the horse to move into, guiding by leaving an opening where we want the opening, and allowing the horse on purpose to move (physically or emotionally) into that opening.

Mark Rashid's newest book

I don't own it yet, but have already heard wonderful things about it. I will resist the urge to buy a copy next week directly from Mark and Crissi when I see them because it's on my wish list for a late birthday present from one of my brothers.

Meanwhile, a public plug for interested people to buy directly from Mark's website: Whole Heart, Whole Horse

I love Amazon for its easiness to order, its reviews, its preview this book feature. However I have learned that our low prices are partly because the authors do not get much or any remuneration for the sales of their books at Amazon.

I'd rather spent a little extra and support the one who has given and continues to give me so much help with my life's journey with horses.

Similar to my spending a little extra to support local farm stands, community supported agriculture, organic producers, and pasture-raised animal products.

It will be a treat to own another of Mark's books. But probably not as big a treat as riding with him again!

Hips

My hips are moving more, thanks to 18 months of physical therapy exercises (4 visits with PT and lots of homework!) and some recent visualizations from Judy Cross-Stehlke, Level 4 Centered Riding Instructor.

How do I know? Well, the arthritis is painful as the joints gain mobility, and most importantly I can enjoy a canter and stay connected with the motion, in both leads.

I rode Rusty today then Kacee. Kacee will hold her canter despite what my hips are doing, or not doing. Rusty on the other hand will mimic my body and my energy. The good news? I can ask for a left lead then let my hips go to their habitual right lead position and -- tada! -- flying lead change! What an education for me! LOL

So I practice and practice and practice. It does not yet come easy but it is so exciting to me!

I'm also doing transitions over a ground pole -- gives me focus for the 'where we'll do this', and progresses easily to some off-the-ground-poles, also known as little jumps. Playing around with breathing the transition, breathing the steady trot, breathing the steady canter.

Then inside to do more of the PT exercises afterwards, trying to strengthen the muscles needed to move these formerly stiff, stiff, stiff joints in my lower back.

I don't need chocolate ice cream or a winning lottery ticket to get me excited... I need play time on the back of my horses!

Then to top it all off, I was out in the paddock asking Sofia if she would consider opening her mind and her mouth when I presented a bit, when Riza meanders over and starts nibbling on the bit. I think she will be fine when I want to bridle her if I keep building on her curiosity and her desire to be involved when I show up.

Springing with Rusty

I rode him today, in the ring. We walked, trotted, cantered. My intent was for us to open up in our trotting, lengthening his stride if I could persuade/allow my body to be loose enough for his needs. We succeeded as well as we did some cantering.

The cantering went well, too, with my right hip moving enough to allow him to carry me on his left lead. That has been a problem and it was a little bit today. He will do a very springy lead change when my right hip is stiff. Poor dear. I'm dedicated to changing my body through physical therapy exercises and such. I love riding Rusty but it's hard for him to follow my feel when my body is stiff from some decades-old movement habits. The blocks are going and Rusty and I are becoming more connected and fluid. Yay!

Dear old Riza... she's not old but gosh she has a mind like an old been-there-done-that horse. At least most of the time. Today I put the saddle on her after riding Rusty, no lead line or anything. She stood like we'd done this a million times, not twice! Then I lunged her at the walk and trot, and over some cavaletti, too.

I suppose one day I'll get on her back. We're not ready for that yet -- I'll wait until she and I can do things with almost no discussions about direction. That time is coming, I'm confident.

Focus is required

In so many realms of my life, focus is required.

I am working two jobs now. Some benefits are as I expected, like increased income. Benefits I did not expect include deep satisfaction of doing a job well done. At a job that I'm told has frustrated and enraged many prior employees. Another benefit: actively applying my mental health skills directly in my job environment (rather than indirectly applying them throughout my life). There are reasons why I pursued a clinical profession, there are reasons why I took a break from direct clinical work for the past few years. I wasn't sure I was ready to be doing this again but I am. It suits me.

The challenge of working this second job (I continue with my first job teaching therapeutic riding, teaching volunteers, working with the horses at the TR program) is time management. I no longer have the luxury of piddling away some of my waking hours. Admittedly, some 'piddling away' is crucial to my well being although I usually call it 'having unscheduled time'. Time to mull, time for new thoughts to surface, time when things that have been brewing can come clear and rise to the surface of my awareness.

What is exciting is that I have the opportunity to prioritize how I spend my time. I feel more eager to make careful choices so that at the end of the day, I will have done some things that are especially meaningful to me, like riding a horse or getting that condolence card written.

I reflect back on the past months and acknowledge how important it is to me to feel connected with family and friends. I have spent much of my computer time on Facebook meeting that need, and much of my non-computer time on survival worries. This winter has been rough, and fruitful. In face of some economic shocks, RNB and I have become more communicative and more understanding of each other's comfort levels, areas of risk taking, and needs for feeling safe and calm. This is well worth all the hours spent in distress, to come out of it in the ways we have.

And yes, "if my magic wand were working" as I like to say, I would be happy to have made these internal and interpersonal changes without the external upheavals.

Then I pause to ask, why do I think that my magic wand is not working? I suspect the tendrils of depression have affected my thinking these past months, approaching challenges with a heavy veil of hopelessness and resentment even as I fought to present myself to others and communicate reflecting my deeper spiritual beliefs. The veil has lifted and again it is easy to float down the river rather than stand on the shore line fretting about whether the river will take me where I want, indeed fretting whether I can survive the apparent turbulence of the river passing at my feet.

I have ridden two horses this past week. It required me to focus in order to be decisive about planning those rides, and it required me to focus in order to be successful in those rides. I was blown away by the presence and readiness to connect with me that my horses offered. It reinforced the notion that even if I'm not 'working' with the horses, the 'work' I do in the rest of my life enriches the time I spend with the horses. I consider my quest for softness and clarity a Life Quest, no longer only a Horsemanship Quest.

So all those little moments throughout the winter have added to the goodness I have today. Moments during feeding when I became more clear and intentional with less firmness about boundaries for example while I was carrying hay. Moments when despite storms of uncertainty and pending losses in my human relationships, I found my way back to softness and vulnerability. Moments when my healing body parts reminded me that once again, I should have asked for help instead of contributing my physical skills (shoveling for example!) while disregarding my here-and-now abilities.

Regard versus disregard. A fine thing to consider! I think my regard of Sofia the other day was the foundation of our success together. Subtly (to me, not to her) in the past I have disregarded the degree of her sensitivity and worry about some things I do in preparing to ride. This time I focused (focus is required!) on her needs rather than my plan, in a way that included my fully knowing that we would get things done -- that 'faith' thing that Harry Whitney talks about -- even while I had no idea when we would get things done.

It was sweet beyond imagination. My heart swells as I recollect.

I've have long known that focus is required when I handle and ride Rusty, more so than with Kacee, and in different ways than with Sofia. I am approaching my readiness to ride him. I have been envisioning our ride, and one of these days I will know it is time -- that I am ready to offer him the required level and duration of focus that he needs in order to feel safe and vulnerable and responsive with me. And I look forward to arriving at that moment. I do love that boy!